Transitioning to Motherhood and Postpartum
We have internalized the same message…
… that we’re not good enough.
As mothers, we all have our own versions of these:
I work all the time, and I’m too exhausted to be present for my kids.
I am bored when I’m with my kid(s).
I should be loving every second with my kid. I chose this life.
How do I live so that I am accomplished in my career, present for my kid’s life, and make space for my own well-being?
Because we now have both the “opportunity” to be successful in the workplace and the “choice” to become mothers, it is implied that we should somehow be able to do them both… and do them equally well.
Oh… and we are supposed to work out and cook dinner every night, too!
I have a secret to tell you: Nothing is wrong with you.
You feel guilty all the time.
I should be able to find a way to do better at work. I should be able to feel content as a mother. I should be able to take care of myself at the same time.
You feel angry and resentful.
Everyone needs me to do more for them.
You are exhausted.
Doing more to fix this will only make me more exhausted.
Let’s be suspicious about guilt and ‘shoulds.’
What if you have everything you need as
a mother right now?
As a new mom, you are learning on the job – and the stakes are high. Every decision feels important, and we can often become paralyzed.
With all the information out there – the new mom message boards, the books, blogs, and Instagram posts – we’re led to believe there is a better way to do this if we only had time.
If we put those things down, we will find that internal resource which guides us as mothers.
When we look up, we see our babies who don’t care what method of parenting we choose – they care that we are paying attention and are present for them. That’s what they need.
When our minds aren’t occupied by that work email – or the wish that we knew how to swaddle like the nurse did, or handle tantrums better, or how to help them read better, or what is for dinner – we will notice that our connection to our children is self-fulfilling.
These internal struggles, confusion, and questioning is, in effect, inherited from women of past generations. Our mothers and our grandmothers just had different versions of this. Imagine the lives of our sons and daughters if we find a way not to pass this along to them.
You are not to blame for feeling like this, and you are not alone.
Our work together will help you peel apart these messages…
What did you lose?
Who were you before you became a mother? What did you think motherhood would be like? Is there any part of you that is in touch with your former self? What about your life before having kids – do you miss it? Where are your relationships now?
We will make space to mourn parts of your old life and identify those parts of you which need to live again in your new identity.
Realistic Mothering
When we discover that some of the expectations we hold for our self actually come from larger society, we can learn to change those.
If we learn that it’s our own expectations of ourselves that leave us feeling so behind, we can decide if these are realistic.
You’ll learn to make your own standards for yourself. You can figure out the difference between what you feel you’re supposed to be and what you actually want to be.
Choosing when to cope and when to change.
With a realistic picture of what has been lost and what is realistic for this stage in your life, we can now dig into what is in your control to change. What do you cope with and what do you improve?
Therapy can give you the focus you need to look at who you really are…
Maybe it’s true that we aren’t as present as we could be for our kids. But we can be without adding more to our list.
Maybe it’s true that we have lost passion for our career. Does this mean something? Can we do something about this?
Maybe it’s true that this isn’t that fun all the time. There is so much freedom when we accept the reality of parenthood and mourn what we have lost.
You’ll be able to discern what is in your control.
You’ll learn to focus on how you can make different choices, be present, and find passion and enjoyment in life.
You can worry less, find confidence in yourself, and experience the feeling that things are okay.
Freedom starts today…
The first step to freedom, joy, and presence in motherhood is one phone call away.
Call me at (202) 656-8515 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We will talk briefly about what you are experiencing and see if we are a good fit to work together.